I was sick over Christmas. I was texting back and forth with an old friend who was checking in:
S- How are you today?
Me- Better. Fever is down. Want to take a yoga class. I’m jonesing.
S- I know that patience isn’t one of your strongest virtues, but you may want to rest more and take care of yourself.
Me- You’re absolutely right.
S- Wow, you really are sick:)
I’m more patient now that I’m an oldish lady.
Except at the grocery store. Yesterday I was squinching my face to make people move more quickly. A Jersey City grocery store is not an exercise in suburban sprawl. Real estate is a fortune and foot traffic is intense, you end up with lots of small stores that should be big with tons of people and stuff. Even in the middle of the afternoon, people fill the tiny aisles.
My frustration level may have been a bit higher than normal because it took me 15 minutes to find a cart. That’s the other joy of city grocery shopping- the carts disappear. In the same center there’s a BJ’s and Bed, Bath & Beyond. It’s not at all unusual to see both stores’ carts in the store. (In fact, the only cart I could score was a BJs cart.)
Anyway, I digress.
Working my way through the produce section seemed harder than usual. Every time I moved in one direction so did the person in front of me. It was almost laughable. In the paper towel aisle I yielded to an older woman who smiled and said, ‘No baby, you go ahead I’m not in a rush.’ To which I replied that I wasn’t either and smiled.
I wasn’t in a rush.
So where the hell I going with my pants on fire? I stopped in the aisle (But I did move my cart to the side. There could be another me on the loose.).
There is no there there. I can run as fast as I can and won’t get there.
I realized that I’m rushing myself because things in my life aren’t settled. I’m ready to get on to the next part. Making life altering changes at 40 is not the same as 20.
But I have unfinished business in this moment and whether I like it or not, rushing isn’t going to accomplish anything but make me unhappy and unfulfilled.
So I took a breath. I know that I’m doing the right things. But staying in the present is going to help me a lot more rather than distractedly moving into the future.
I know I’ll never get there. And that’s ok.